Tuesday, June 9, 2009
♥ Things you see in a Singapore club.
Things you see in a Singapore club.
Okay obviously i have nothing else better to do, or as Tommy would say, 'damn bo liao' haha. So here we go, a list of things, trends, and traits that most Singaporeans show only at clubs, that i have observed.
1. Shiny happy people (okay so i stole a song title from REM, big deal). You know the sort. The crowd that hangs outside Zouk, blathering non-stop about inane topics which usually covers a wide range, from the hot new gym teacher to who slept with whom. Then one of them suddenly lets out a eardrum-busting, 200-decibel shriek. "AHHHHHH! OH MY GOD! IT'S (insert random name here)!!!"
Then they start jumping up and down, jogging on the spot, and make semi-orgasmic/constipated squeals. Soon they surround said person and start air-kissing each other, with comments such as "oh my god darls, you look so damn HOT can!? Where did you get that top/skirt from?" so on and so forth. Cut the FUCKING crap girls, this isn't Gossip Girl. The male equivalent would usually be a loud and painfully prolonged "EH BRAAAAAADERRRRRRR!!! WHERE YOU BEEN MAAAAANNNNN?? (even though they probably just saw each other yesterday)" followed by macho bear hugs and back-slapping. I don't know WHY i get irritated by this kind of behaviour, but i just do.
Interesting fact: the posher the club, the sillier the behaviour.
2. Ugly door bitches. I mean, the door bitch is usually the face of the club. Some clubs i've been to, you couldn't tell the difference between the door bitch, and a real-life, honest-to-God female dog. I shit you not. And more often than not, ugly door bitch=ugly crowd. But i may be wrong on this.
3. Rude bouncers. People pay money to have a good time alright. So stop looking like it's a fucking funeral instead of a kick-ass party. Some clubbers may inadvertedly break some of the club rules, for example entering from the back door, whatever. Tell them nicely instead of hauling the guy (or girl, yes i've seen this before personally) by the collar (or bra-strap haha) out of the club.
Intoxicated people sometimes think they can kick Mike Tyson's ass, and they dislike being manhandled. A little sensitivity on the bouncer's side can save alot of trouble and bad publicity. Worse still, at some clubs, take a swing at a bouncer, and before you know it, the whole crew comes down and rains hell on you, taking the word 'professionalism' to a new high, or maybe low. These people are suffering from a severe form of psychosis and should NOT, under any circumstances, be allowed contact with the general population.
TIP: You probably shouldn't try starting shit with a bouncer with teardrops tattooed under his eye.
4. Girl-on-girl. So you're in the club, having a few drinks, relaxing, enjoying a night out with your friends. You spy a group of hot, nubile, SYTs giggling, laughing, throwing back a few tequila shots. The DJ drops a groovy, sexy track. The girls all shriek in delight. They proceed to dance. The next thing you know, all of them are huddled tightly in a circle, grabbing each other's asses (followed by more squeals of delight), doing some kind of awkward semi-provocative sexy dance, though it really looks more like they're humping a horse. They then proceed to manually exchange oral liquids among each other. They think they're driving the guys nuts, and they feel so 'empowered'. So they do it more. Worse still, when the guys start to ogle, some girls will actually go, "what the fuck are you looking at, loser?" Well...
NEWSFLASH BITCHES! Lesser men might go weak in the knees witnessing your contrived performance. But to seasoned clubbers, your faux-lesbian acts simply scream out, "LOOK AT US. WE ARE ATTENTION-SEEKING WHORES." These girls are usually the ones who'd start puking their guts out and need help walking by 1am.
5. Exaggerated dancing. I'm not trying to be racist here okay, but most Chinese dudes i see, really can't dance to save their lives. (I'm half-Chinese, so i have a 50/50 survival rate). Sure, they start off humble at first. "No lah, i dunno how to dance one la..you all go ahead k, i look after the drinks." So leave them alone to look after the drinks, and what happens? He starts to drink by himself. Soon, this young man feels COMPELLED, COMPELLED to show everyone that he CAN dance. So he stands up and starts dancing. Unfortunately, it looks like a cross between an epileptic seizure, and a freshly-beheaded chicken. Well, you get an A for effort. Try SOFTER next time.
On the other hand, there are people out there who CAN dance. Yeah, they can do the whole 'pop lock and drop it' routine. These people have been blessed by God with extremely good body coordination. But the one thing that they do NOT have, is spatial orientation. They are perfectly oblivious that their funky-fresh liquid pops are knocking jugs off the bar counter, hitting people around them, and generally, making everyone who is within a 1-metre radius of said dancer, PISSED OFF. Do me a favour. STOP BEING A FUCKING SHOW-OFF. And take that bandanna off your head, you look silly. Which brings me to....
6: The 'Playas'. These people remind me of a song by T.I, 'Whatever You Like'. The chorus goes 'stacks on deck, Patron on ice, we be poppin' bottles all night, baby you can have whatever you like..'
Except that they're poppin' bottles on Daddy's sup card.
These guys really know how to dress up. Burberry shirts, Neighbourhood jeans, white sneakers, Porter card holder (playas don't use wallets, they use card holders), and the QUINTESSENTIAL GUCCI BELT. They are the ones that always keep people waiting for them outside the clubs. And when they finally arrive, their friends won't go like "eh nbcb you think you big fuck arh so long @#$%!!" NO! They'd go "HEY MAN, YOU'RE FINALLY HERE, WE COULDN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU MAN..." The playa, with his self-assured smile, grins a sheepish grin, and proceeds to lead his flock straight to the VIP entrance. He makes small talk with the door bitch, winks at the bouncer, and glides right in. He is surrounded by the most beautiful people around, and is the envy of all the lesser mortals in the club.
Sadly, deep down inside, his friends hate his guts. They are only there for the booze and the chicks. But Mr. Playa is too high up in his ivory tower to notice. Bottles finished, well let's get another! This is what i call a mutually beneficial relationship. The guys wanna drink, the playa wants to impress the chicks. Everyone goes home happy.
Damn. I gotta get myself one of those sup cards.
7. The army recruits. (touchy topic, but stilll....HEH.) I am a patriot. I love my country. And i fully appreciate the sacrifice that our young men, barely out of their teens, have to make. From Monday till Friday, they bleed and sweat, enduring verbal abuse and training hard to defend our way of life. They have every right to enjoy themselves when they book out for the weekend.
BUT DO YOU ALL HAVE TO DRESS THE SAME? You know what i'm talking about okay. Polo tees, jeans, and running shoes. Some even wear the army-issue NBs. For fuck's sake, are you seriously expecting your sergeant to pop out of nowhere in front of you and go, "recruit, run 5 rounds around the parade square now. GO." ????! Isn't it bad enough that you all LOOK the same, shaven heads, spectacles and all, do you even have to wear the same shit!? Girls, have you noticed the way some of them look at you? There you are, all dressed up, made up and looking pretty, dancing the night away. In their minds, they have already fucked you twice and you're now giving them a blowjob for good measure. Do yourselves a favour dudes. Have a good wank or 10 before you head out to the clubs. But they're not all that bad though. I love the way they dance. Refer to the first half of point no.5.
8.The 'Dawgs'. "Yo wassup Dawg? How ya doin' Dawg?" The hip-hop community must be the only group of people IN THE WORLD, that would not get offended when somebody calls them a mongrel. Fo shizzle?
I know it's kinda 'ghetto' and stuff to talk like that, i mean, you fellas be keepin' it real right, lion-city style eh? But therein lies the most fatal contradiction. If you talk like that only when you're out with your 'homies', then you're just wearing a mask, you be not keepin' it real. But if you talk like that ALL THE TIME, then you're just outta your fuckin' mind. So, whatchu' be doin' bout it, DAWG? By the way, love the way you be rockin' them cubic zirconias bling!
Okay enough sarcasm. But seriously, i love the music as much as the next guy dressed up as Kanye next to me. But come on people. Why is it all about the threads you're wearing now, instead of the music? If you were REALLY, 'keepin' it real', then you'd be wearing hand-me-downs from your cousin, and not all that expensive shit. Hip hop is about the suffering and oppression of the black man down in the projects, NOT bitches and bling!
9. The Mother Hen. Guys, you definitely know what i'm talking about. You've been eyeing this hot-as-hell babe for the better part of the night. After downing enough liquid courage, you approach her with trepidation. You walk up to her. You fumble with your words. She smiles, and her eyes glimmer with anticipation. You mumble a sheepish "hi...my name is.." but before you can finish your sentence, SOME FAT-ASS BOTTOM-OF-THE-BARGAIN-BARREL bitch appears before your eyes, ninja-style, and launches into a tirade of righteous fury. "WHO ARE YOU? WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO MY FRIEND? ARE YOU HER FRIEND? (to her friend) IS HE YOUR FRIEND? NO? THEN WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO HER? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?"
Me: "but...but...i was...i was just trying..to.."
FB (fat bitch): "WHAT? TRYING TO WHAT? TRYING TO MAKE HER DRUNK IS IT? GET LOST!"
Mother Hen then grabs Hot Girl by the hand and leads her away to the dark corner of the club where she crawled out from. After numerous such encounters, i have finally realised that Mother Hen does not actually mean what she says! I have finally broken the code. And i shall share it with you, dear friends.
WHO ARE YOU-this is pretty straightforward.
WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO MY FRIEND-this actually means, why are you not talking to ME.
ARE YOU HER FRIEND-If you are, then you're gone as fuck. Mother Hen will ask Hot Girl to make introductions, then she'll stick to you the whole fucking night.
IS HE YOUR FRIEND-If Hot Chick says no, then in the eyes of Mother Hen, you're fair game. Be afraid.
WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO HER-Simple. BECAUSE YOU'RE A FAT UGLY BITCH. NEED A MIRROR?
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO-Trying to get into HER pants, dumb-ass, because I TRIED fucking someone like you before, but no matter how wide i tried to spread her legs, i couldn't see her pussy!!
There you have it. Use this knowledge well, young grasshoppers.
Hope you guys had a good laugh! CHEERS!
DISCLAIMER-If you are offended by any or all of the points i have mentioned,im truly sorry that i can't care less. HAHAHA!
- anonymous
Okay obviously i have nothing else better to do, or as Tommy would say, 'damn bo liao' haha. So here we go, a list of things, trends, and traits that most Singaporeans show only at clubs, that i have observed.
1. Shiny happy people (okay so i stole a song title from REM, big deal). You know the sort. The crowd that hangs outside Zouk, blathering non-stop about inane topics which usually covers a wide range, from the hot new gym teacher to who slept with whom. Then one of them suddenly lets out a eardrum-busting, 200-decibel shriek. "AHHHHHH! OH MY GOD! IT'S (insert random name here)!!!"
Then they start jumping up and down, jogging on the spot, and make semi-orgasmic/constipated squeals. Soon they surround said person and start air-kissing each other, with comments such as "oh my god darls, you look so damn HOT can!? Where did you get that top/skirt from?" so on and so forth. Cut the FUCKING crap girls, this isn't Gossip Girl. The male equivalent would usually be a loud and painfully prolonged "EH BRAAAAAADERRRRRRR!!! WHERE YOU BEEN MAAAAANNNNN?? (even though they probably just saw each other yesterday)" followed by macho bear hugs and back-slapping. I don't know WHY i get irritated by this kind of behaviour, but i just do.
Interesting fact: the posher the club, the sillier the behaviour.
2. Ugly door bitches. I mean, the door bitch is usually the face of the club. Some clubs i've been to, you couldn't tell the difference between the door bitch, and a real-life, honest-to-God female dog. I shit you not. And more often than not, ugly door bitch=ugly crowd. But i may be wrong on this.
3. Rude bouncers. People pay money to have a good time alright. So stop looking like it's a fucking funeral instead of a kick-ass party. Some clubbers may inadvertedly break some of the club rules, for example entering from the back door, whatever. Tell them nicely instead of hauling the guy (or girl, yes i've seen this before personally) by the collar (or bra-strap haha) out of the club.
Intoxicated people sometimes think they can kick Mike Tyson's ass, and they dislike being manhandled. A little sensitivity on the bouncer's side can save alot of trouble and bad publicity. Worse still, at some clubs, take a swing at a bouncer, and before you know it, the whole crew comes down and rains hell on you, taking the word 'professionalism' to a new high, or maybe low. These people are suffering from a severe form of psychosis and should NOT, under any circumstances, be allowed contact with the general population.
TIP: You probably shouldn't try starting shit with a bouncer with teardrops tattooed under his eye.
4. Girl-on-girl. So you're in the club, having a few drinks, relaxing, enjoying a night out with your friends. You spy a group of hot, nubile, SYTs giggling, laughing, throwing back a few tequila shots. The DJ drops a groovy, sexy track. The girls all shriek in delight. They proceed to dance. The next thing you know, all of them are huddled tightly in a circle, grabbing each other's asses (followed by more squeals of delight), doing some kind of awkward semi-provocative sexy dance, though it really looks more like they're humping a horse. They then proceed to manually exchange oral liquids among each other. They think they're driving the guys nuts, and they feel so 'empowered'. So they do it more. Worse still, when the guys start to ogle, some girls will actually go, "what the fuck are you looking at, loser?" Well...
NEWSFLASH BITCHES! Lesser men might go weak in the knees witnessing your contrived performance. But to seasoned clubbers, your faux-lesbian acts simply scream out, "LOOK AT US. WE ARE ATTENTION-SEEKING WHORES." These girls are usually the ones who'd start puking their guts out and need help walking by 1am.
5. Exaggerated dancing. I'm not trying to be racist here okay, but most Chinese dudes i see, really can't dance to save their lives. (I'm half-Chinese, so i have a 50/50 survival rate). Sure, they start off humble at first. "No lah, i dunno how to dance one la..you all go ahead k, i look after the drinks." So leave them alone to look after the drinks, and what happens? He starts to drink by himself. Soon, this young man feels COMPELLED, COMPELLED to show everyone that he CAN dance. So he stands up and starts dancing. Unfortunately, it looks like a cross between an epileptic seizure, and a freshly-beheaded chicken. Well, you get an A for effort. Try SOFTER next time.
On the other hand, there are people out there who CAN dance. Yeah, they can do the whole 'pop lock and drop it' routine. These people have been blessed by God with extremely good body coordination. But the one thing that they do NOT have, is spatial orientation. They are perfectly oblivious that their funky-fresh liquid pops are knocking jugs off the bar counter, hitting people around them, and generally, making everyone who is within a 1-metre radius of said dancer, PISSED OFF. Do me a favour. STOP BEING A FUCKING SHOW-OFF. And take that bandanna off your head, you look silly. Which brings me to....
6: The 'Playas'. These people remind me of a song by T.I, 'Whatever You Like'. The chorus goes 'stacks on deck, Patron on ice, we be poppin' bottles all night, baby you can have whatever you like..'
Except that they're poppin' bottles on Daddy's sup card.
These guys really know how to dress up. Burberry shirts, Neighbourhood jeans, white sneakers, Porter card holder (playas don't use wallets, they use card holders), and the QUINTESSENTIAL GUCCI BELT. They are the ones that always keep people waiting for them outside the clubs. And when they finally arrive, their friends won't go like "eh nbcb you think you big fuck arh so long @#$%!!" NO! They'd go "HEY MAN, YOU'RE FINALLY HERE, WE COULDN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU MAN..." The playa, with his self-assured smile, grins a sheepish grin, and proceeds to lead his flock straight to the VIP entrance. He makes small talk with the door bitch, winks at the bouncer, and glides right in. He is surrounded by the most beautiful people around, and is the envy of all the lesser mortals in the club.
Sadly, deep down inside, his friends hate his guts. They are only there for the booze and the chicks. But Mr. Playa is too high up in his ivory tower to notice. Bottles finished, well let's get another! This is what i call a mutually beneficial relationship. The guys wanna drink, the playa wants to impress the chicks. Everyone goes home happy.
Damn. I gotta get myself one of those sup cards.
7. The army recruits. (touchy topic, but stilll....HEH.) I am a patriot. I love my country. And i fully appreciate the sacrifice that our young men, barely out of their teens, have to make. From Monday till Friday, they bleed and sweat, enduring verbal abuse and training hard to defend our way of life. They have every right to enjoy themselves when they book out for the weekend.
BUT DO YOU ALL HAVE TO DRESS THE SAME? You know what i'm talking about okay. Polo tees, jeans, and running shoes. Some even wear the army-issue NBs. For fuck's sake, are you seriously expecting your sergeant to pop out of nowhere in front of you and go, "recruit, run 5 rounds around the parade square now. GO." ????! Isn't it bad enough that you all LOOK the same, shaven heads, spectacles and all, do you even have to wear the same shit!? Girls, have you noticed the way some of them look at you? There you are, all dressed up, made up and looking pretty, dancing the night away. In their minds, they have already fucked you twice and you're now giving them a blowjob for good measure. Do yourselves a favour dudes. Have a good wank or 10 before you head out to the clubs. But they're not all that bad though. I love the way they dance. Refer to the first half of point no.5.
8.The 'Dawgs'. "Yo wassup Dawg? How ya doin' Dawg?" The hip-hop community must be the only group of people IN THE WORLD, that would not get offended when somebody calls them a mongrel. Fo shizzle?
I know it's kinda 'ghetto' and stuff to talk like that, i mean, you fellas be keepin' it real right, lion-city style eh? But therein lies the most fatal contradiction. If you talk like that only when you're out with your 'homies', then you're just wearing a mask, you be not keepin' it real. But if you talk like that ALL THE TIME, then you're just outta your fuckin' mind. So, whatchu' be doin' bout it, DAWG? By the way, love the way you be rockin' them cubic zirconias bling!
Okay enough sarcasm. But seriously, i love the music as much as the next guy dressed up as Kanye next to me. But come on people. Why is it all about the threads you're wearing now, instead of the music? If you were REALLY, 'keepin' it real', then you'd be wearing hand-me-downs from your cousin, and not all that expensive shit. Hip hop is about the suffering and oppression of the black man down in the projects, NOT bitches and bling!
9. The Mother Hen. Guys, you definitely know what i'm talking about. You've been eyeing this hot-as-hell babe for the better part of the night. After downing enough liquid courage, you approach her with trepidation. You walk up to her. You fumble with your words. She smiles, and her eyes glimmer with anticipation. You mumble a sheepish "hi...my name is.." but before you can finish your sentence, SOME FAT-ASS BOTTOM-OF-THE-BARGAIN-BARREL bitch appears before your eyes, ninja-style, and launches into a tirade of righteous fury. "WHO ARE YOU? WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO MY FRIEND? ARE YOU HER FRIEND? (to her friend) IS HE YOUR FRIEND? NO? THEN WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO HER? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?"
Me: "but...but...i was...i was just trying..to.."
FB (fat bitch): "WHAT? TRYING TO WHAT? TRYING TO MAKE HER DRUNK IS IT? GET LOST!"
Mother Hen then grabs Hot Girl by the hand and leads her away to the dark corner of the club where she crawled out from. After numerous such encounters, i have finally realised that Mother Hen does not actually mean what she says! I have finally broken the code. And i shall share it with you, dear friends.
WHO ARE YOU-this is pretty straightforward.
WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO MY FRIEND-this actually means, why are you not talking to ME.
ARE YOU HER FRIEND-If you are, then you're gone as fuck. Mother Hen will ask Hot Girl to make introductions, then she'll stick to you the whole fucking night.
IS HE YOUR FRIEND-If Hot Chick says no, then in the eyes of Mother Hen, you're fair game. Be afraid.
WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO HER-Simple. BECAUSE YOU'RE A FAT UGLY BITCH. NEED A MIRROR?
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO-Trying to get into HER pants, dumb-ass, because I TRIED fucking someone like you before, but no matter how wide i tried to spread her legs, i couldn't see her pussy!!
There you have it. Use this knowledge well, young grasshoppers.
Hope you guys had a good laugh! CHEERS!
DISCLAIMER-If you are offended by any or all of the points i have mentioned,im truly sorry that i can't care less. HAHAHA!
- anonymous
10:45 PM
